Thursday, warm but bearable
Dearest V
I return, like a ghost to her old house, to our romantic story.
After dinner, and wine, and watching the fireflies in my garden, you said, “Let’s go inside.” Odd that I, who am so sensitive to double entendres, did not notice this one.
I nodded humbly, and headed for the back door.
Still following, I found myself in my kitchen. You turned, took the glass out of my hand, and hauled me up into your arms. This time, a month or more after our first kiss, I kissed back. Gave as good as I got. Hard.
This time my arms were around your neck. God, it felt good to be there. I hung on for dear life, or death, and gave back every thing you had given me in the months of phone calls and intimacy that had passed between us.
But sense returned somehow, as I whispered, “Can’t we talk about this?”
I needed the verbal assurances. The physical ones were plain.
“If we do this it will ruin your life.”
In answer, you grabbed me from behind, swept my hair from the side of my neck, and began kissing me again. I found that my body was rubbing up and down yours. Easily, going up on tip toes, first left foot up, then down, then right foot up, and down, leaning in towards you. C the cat.
When you released me, I shot off toward the front of my house. Talk seemed imperative though my body knew what it wanted. You followed, slowly. We sat side by side on the sofa. Silence. You had no words. I had a question.
“What do you want of me?” You always take my questions seriously, whether it is one of the heart or why the toaster is malfunctioning. That alone is reason to love you. Your answer took some time.
“I want to be part of you. Do you understand?”
To join physically, yes, but did you mean in other ways also? Did you want to leave yourself behind, to become part of me? Lose more than the name you are known by? Lose everything? Only later, when I relived this night for the hundredth thousandth time, did I realize that I hadn’t understood.
No matter. It was what I wanted to hear. I shifted to face you. I was leaning up against your legs, they felt like my own. But I left that easy place, lifted my leg, rose up, and came down astride you. I put my arms around your neck to steady myself. You looked astonished. Had you never had a woman ride you before?
Breathe. Breathe. Breathe. One sometimes forgets to.
My vagina was open and separated from you by only two layers of pitiful clothing. One yours, one mine. It knew what to do, surrounding the hard, khaki-covered mountain beneath it. You were captured, you couldn’t escape.
“Every nerve ending is….., ” and then you stopped.
Ever the scientist, you began trying to describe what had happened. Give it a name, genus and species, and you think you understand and can control it. A fools game. You quickly gave up.
We sat there, me on you, just breathing. Then a kiss, hard, while at the same time I pressed down hard on the mountain between your legs. I got a little dizzy, had to lean back away from you. You looked calm, but said nothing.
A few more kisses, some addled words, I can’t remember what they were.
I do remember thinking that this must go on for months. We will kiss for a few days. And only then begin to touch, ever so experimentally. A week perhaps. Then our clothes should come off, but I will want to look at you for days. So much to see, and then long days of simple exploration. Basic science, beginning research. I did not see us making love for months. There was so much preliminary work to be done. Lust demands instant attention. This was not lust. You were going to be my lifetimes endeavor. I did not want to rush.
You too seemed content. I think you were inside each of your nerve endings, listening to the pistons explode, watching the explosions rise to the heavens, feeling each burst of each atom extinguishing itself. You are good at paying close attention.
I, of course, was losing it. I tried to hold all of you in my arms, a clear impossibility. You are twice my size. Giving that up as a lost cause, I starting kissing the side of your face. Small hummingbird ones. Then I had to know what your hair felt like, so I ran my hand around the back of your head. Immediately I wanted to kiss you again, but this time your hands came up to hold mine, and finally forced them downward. A new experiment? You held my eyes as you held my hands down. What was happening?
I evaded you by curling up on your chest, tucked into it like a child. Rest. You allowed me this. But finally I had to know. Why had you stopped. What was happening?
I reached up, searching for your eyes. When I found them you said what every woman wants to hear.
“If I stay with you tonight I will never leave.”
But you did and you have.
C
